I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
