i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
