Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Someone signed my nipple.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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