Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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