Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
