You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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