my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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