Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
