I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
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We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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