I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
