Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
