Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
