I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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