You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
