Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
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Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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