my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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