go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I still have a little drunk in my system
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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