i barfeds in our rink
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
