its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT