Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
