mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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