The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
