do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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