you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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