I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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