you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just gargled with NyQuil
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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