the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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