Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
