Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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