the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
