saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
