Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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