How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
