she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
