Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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