Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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