JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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