I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
