I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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