Its about making memories worth repressing
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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