You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
