thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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