The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
