I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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