ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
