Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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