The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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