96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
