chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
