and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
