I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
