my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
