It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
