My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
