The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity