You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
That was before I lit my hair on fire
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
