Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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